Date: 30 Aug 96 15:43:29 EDT From: Jan Knepper <106030.3360@CompuServe.COM> To: "[FreeBSD chat]" <freebsd-chat@FreeBSD.ORG> Subject: Microsoft Panhandling Message-ID: <960830194328_106030.3360_JHF78-1@CompuServe.COM>
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Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new
product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me
for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a
golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any
initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my
competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor
and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader
Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with
Windows
95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is
a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller,
"since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't
embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to
Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely
tells the user to have a nice day. The
"No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running
within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014
comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which
either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee
Guy,
which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh
your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get
my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking
you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you
for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?"
General pandemonium then ensued.
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